I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
