At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
