im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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