I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
