I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You are a genius and a whore.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
