So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
