for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
