why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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