I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
