The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
