i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
