My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
