Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
