Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
