Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
