my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
