I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
