I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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