If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
