I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
