The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
