I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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