When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
