Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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