I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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