So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
