This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
