the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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