Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
