Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
