Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
