im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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