Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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