I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
