His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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