i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
