Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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