You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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