you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
