my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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