why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
