Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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