this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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