She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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