apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
