He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
