When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
