....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
