Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
