I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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