We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
