Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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