Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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