If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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